Dreaming, missing and hoping

I woke up in the middle of the night from a dream I was having. You know the kind where you actually regret waking up because it was so good.

I was dreaming that I was shopping with my sister, we shopped, we walked, we went for lunch in down town Toronto to her favourite vegan place. We were having some quality sister time.

Then I woke up just before I was going to have a bite out of my sandwich. Typical, food wakes me up.

I went to the bathroom and quickly jumped back into the warm bed next to my husband, but I couldn’t fall asleep  All I could think about was my birth family.

We spent the summer with them, three weeks, but we had to divide our time between my a-dad (and his family) and my birth parents. This didn’t go as smoothly as I hoped for, but that is expected when two families have to share one. Plus, the fact that my husband and three children where sharing a home with my birth family of four, came with it’s own struggles. We all like our private space and it was a challenge sharing it I must say.

But two weeks ago, when I watched a film montage that my daughter had put together of our time in Ontario, all I could feel was sadness. Sadness because I missed them so much and I’m pretty sure that I’m not the only one. When my sister and b-father saw the movie, they too said that they missed us and that we had such a great time. It’s weird, you don’t remember the ‘not so good times’ when you are missing someone, you only remember the good.

Even though I find myself to be blessed because I found my birth family, when so many haven’t, I still feel a bit bitter at times because of the fact that we live so far away from each other. A big Atlantic pool between us. I often find myself checking plane ticket fares hoping to find a good deal, but there is never a good deal when your family consists of 5 people on one pay check.

I guess I’ll just keep on dreaming…a whatsapp’ing.

“The scariest thing about distance is that you don’t know whether they will miss you, or forget you. “

If you have found birth relatives, do you see them much? Do you live far apart? If so, how do you build up a relationship?

Why would you read the Bible? Bus adventures

 

So, sitting on the bus today reading my kindle and this lady comes and sits next to me. She starts chatting away which I don’t mind and we ended up talking about a lot of stuff. It was really nice. Then she looks at my kindle and asks,

what are you reading?

I answer :”The Bible“.

She looked at me with surprise in her eyes, looking like she was trying to figure out if I was joking but when she saw that I was serious

she asked “why would you do that?”

I said because “It teaches me about Jesus and it helps me in life. It’s kind of like a life manual, you can find many answers in it”

“Oh” was her only response.

She fell silent for the rest of the journey (prolly thinking that I’m a nutter, like some do…)so, I just prayed for her. I don’t care what people think, I care about how God thinks of me.

 

Not so ‘Wordless Wednesday’ : Wireless Communication

Wireless Connection

 

How long has it been since you sent Him a text, a BBM or a Whatsapp if you prefer, just to thank Him or to give Him praise? Most of our prayers are to ASK Him for something, but He deserves our praise and our thanks. Send Him a text today…right now. Just think of all the things you are thankful for and praise Him for it! I promise, you will have a whole list of things you will like to talk to Him about. Concentrate on thanking Him today. We usually end up asking Him for help and things, at least most days we do, but today, let’s just give Him PRAISE!

My husband’s personal prayer warrior

I’m feeling a little hormonal this morning, so I’m apologizing in advance for what may be the end result of this post. My intentions are good however, so fingers crossed. I’m going to share with you why I’ve decided to become my husband’s personal prayer warrior.

I’m one of those people who love to work on themselves. Self improvement! I read loads of books and how to better your life and I pray daily to God that He would give me grace when my teens are acting up or to help me get my butt to the gym more often. Me, me, me!

So, when I see other people (husband) not growing spiritually as fast as I would like them (him) too, well, then I get pretty frustrated and self righteous I guess. Bad bad me.

The mornings are the worst, it seems like the little evil side of me tends to show itself after a bad night’s rest and my husband, unfortunately, has to be the victim of my whining then.

We were being very childish in saying goodbye this morning and so when he left I marched up to my computer and was drafting up an email with all of my complaints. Yep, I was going to send my husband hate mail.

That’s when God thankfully stopped me. I was thinking to myself, what am I doing? Is this how I’m helping my husband? Is this by any way building up our relationship together and with God?

I tend to forget the Proverbs 31 woman. There was a time in my life that I would even laugh and think it impossible and unfair to be such a woman. But growing in faith has helped me see that God has given His instructions so that we could have a full life.

Proverbs woman

Instead of whining and nagging my husband, I should pray more for him instead of asking God to help me eat healthier (please make me thin again God).

I sometimes lack faith in all that He can do, even though He has done miracles in our lives before and still does.

So I’ve decided to make it my mission to be become my husband’s personal prayer warrior. Ta-da-la-da!

What will I be praying for? It won’t be for God to put it on my husband’s heart to take out the trash without me having to tell him. Because this would be a `me´ issue again, not that praying for yourself is a bad thing, heavens no. But it shouldn’t be our main focus either. Right?

So what should we pray for? We should pray for anything that God has put onto our heart when we are in prayer first of all, then we should pray for that our husbands faith will grow and that he will become the spiritual leader God want’s Him to be. We need to pray for that our relationship will grow strong and need to ask God to help us be more like that Proverbs 31 woman He wants us to be.

I use a bookmark that you can download over at imoms and I find it very useful when I’m feeling at a loss for words. You can click on the image and it should take you there.

But right now, I’m just really thankful that God has stopped me before I sent out anything more hurtful and damaging to our marriage. Instead, I surrendered into prayer.

 

Father God,

I want to please You by the way that I love my family. Today, I choose to see my husband through your eyes of love and mercy. I will wage peace in my marriage. I will be quick to forgive and slow to condemn. I will encourage my husband with my words, my prayers, my love and my time. Sometimes I can get so caught up in my silly little lists that I lose perspective of the true meaning of life. Help me to live my days glorifying You with every breath that I take and step that I make. I want my home to be a safe place filled with kindness and compassion, a place that illustrates Your presence and power. Today, I choose to trust my marriage and family to you God.
In Jesus’ name, A-M-E-N !

 

Mom, momma, mommy, mama, mother, mmmmmmm?

Mother

A mother (or mum/mom) is a woman who has raised a child, given birth to a child, and/or supplied the ovum that united with a sperm which grew into a child. —Wikipedia

I hope you all had a great mother’s day yesterday.

On the topic of mom, I was wondering , how do you call yours? Or what do your kids call you? If you are like me, you have an adoptive mom and a natural mom. So how and why do you call them what you do?

mother's day gift

My mother’s day gift from my Step-Daughter. She calls me “Mim”

 

I don’t see my adoptive mother any more due to some very unhappy events when I was a teenager, making me have to leave home out of necessity. When I met my natural mother, I asked her if I could call her mom. I never say “birth mother” unless I’m using it on my blog, just to help you understand about who I’m talking about. When my sister and I talk about her, we say “La momma”.
It was uneasy at first, calling her mom, not sure if she really felt comfortable with me calling her that and I would avoid saying it at the beginning, even though I longed so much to call her that. But now, it seems natural.
With my biological dad, it’s so different, I’m still in good contact with my adoption dad. I call him dad or daddy but I’m finding it hard to find what I want to call my natural dad. We get along so well, I actually get on on the best with him. We are pretty close ,so I’m trying to find something comfortable for us. My kids call him Grandpa-T and he used to act irritated when he heard it…but I think he actually likes it. He’s just being a bit silly.

So, what do you call your mom and why?

And if you are looking for some inspiration, take a look at the following link of Mother’s Day Celebration website. You can see how people call their mothers in other countries.

The angry adoptee?

Someone recently asked me how was it that I wasn’t bitter about my whole adoption past.

I asked that person what they meant and they wondered if or why I didn’t feel any resentment about the whole situation.

Just to clarify, my natural parents are still together and they have had two children after me. I have a full blood sister and brother.

I guess, when you think of it, one could feel upset by this. Some adoptees often express such perceptions. Many books, such at The Primal Wound and Journey of the Adopted Self, propose that adoptees not only have these feelings, but that they are correct perceptions, and that the adoptee may never heal from these feelings.

Isn’t this one of the reasons why people were encouraged in the past to keep it from their children, the fact that they were adopted? That it would protect them from a “trauma”?

I’ll be honest, while I had a terrible relationship and experiences with my ado-mom, I kind of felt abandoned. When I had my kids during my teens, I didn’t have a loving mom by my side to help me and guide me on my new journey into motherhood. I didn’t have a role model. I didn’t feel loved, I felt lonely…abandoned maybe.

But after being found and getting to know the story, I think we often forget the “trauma” and the bitterness our birth mothers must have felt. My mother couldn’t forget me, even if she wanted to, because I was born the day after her birthday. I can only imagine how she must have felt, counting year after year. I have at times, delicately tried to pry some info about my birth and I would get pieces here and there, but I can feel her pain and then decide that it’s just better to stop. At least for now.

So, do I feel bitter? NO! If anything, my heart leapt with joy when I found out that they were still together and that I besides having the sister who found me, I too have a brother!

Plus God has proven Himself faithful in every place of brokenness and loss during my life and has blessed me with this reunion. God has convinced me that my life was “meant to be”.

Even if you are not a Christian or you don’t have another religion holding you up and I’m saying this because God has and does keep me up, that life is too short to live it in bitterness, sometimes you just need to see the good things in life and decide to be happy. This doesn’t mean that you can’t ever be sad, but give it a place. We as individuals can choose our own attitudes at any time.

Oh and on a last note, I really hope that I haven’t offended others by what I said and if it seems like I’m belittling your feelings, this is not my intention and I’m sorry. I don’t know all your stories or pain, but I’m sure there is a lot of it. I do not claim to be an expert on anything but my own experiences and I would like to hear yours as well.

  • The Primal Wound – More Questions Than Answers! (sharonannevanwyk.wordpress.com)

Are we adoptees just mental?

I think one thing we adoptees must have in common is wondering from who we have inherited some of our habits.

If you have kids like me, you must have at one point or another compared your child’s habits and looks to yourself or to that of their other parent. All the good things have come from you of course and all the bad ones from the other person. Hey, at least, that’s what I do. However, now that mine are teens, I do realize that my daughter has many unpleasant habits in common with me, like her stubbornness or being convinced that she is always right and oh “the rolling of the eyes”…arg!

When I was little, my adoptive parents told me that they saw the doctor who delivered me and who was active in the adoption procedure during a trip to Wal-Mart’s. He looked at me and told them that he knew from whom I had inherited my long fingers. And that was it, that was the one and only thing I knew about them at that time and I have always carried that sentence in my heart and would wonder and dream about my natural parents. Huh, I imagined my mother being Céline Dion for some crazy reason.

Then I became a teen and my adoptive parents had divorced and my mother then took me back to her country of origin, Belgium. She had always had severe manic depression, but coming back to Belgium and not finding it the same as she had left it , 30 some years before, well that just put fuel on to her depression and she started to drink and take pills on top of it. I will spare you the details, but my teenage years were horrible, and I’m being mild here.

So as being a young adult, I had put it to the back of my mind, the though of me looking like someone else out there, and replaced those dreams I used to have with fear of becoming like my adoptive mother. Anytime I would have a tad bit too much to drink, I instantly would think of her and be petrified that I would be changing into her, an alcoholic. Or if I would have a couple of days of feeling down, (usually once a month) I would be scared that I was getting into a depression.

Last week I was doing my daily newspaper morning surfing and was reading an article in the Daily mail titled :

“When Cherry adopted these ‘angelic’ sisters she thought a loving home would heal the wounds of their troubled past. How terrifyingly wrong she was.”

In short it’s about a couple who have adopted two sisters. The eldest was 3 years old and the youngest 6 months. Their natural mother was a troubled person and couldn’t care for them anymore and so they moved from foster home to foster home, until this couple adopted them.

Picture isn’t me, but I was however delivered in a laundry basket.

According to the article , this couple was a stable family and having all the means necessary to raise these children happily and comfortably. Unfortunately after having adopted these children , they noticed some behavioral problems that caused much stress. In the end, the couple divorced, the wife ended up having to care for these children on a minimal income and the girls, now in their twenties are behind bars in jail. “‘Ironically they have followed exactly the same pattern as their mother,’ says Cherry.”

Again, this is a short sum up and to get the whole picture you should read the article yourself.

Then one paragraph really caught my attention :

Quite understandably, adopted children often suffer emotional difficulties. A U.S. study found that being adopted approximately doubles the odds of an adolescent being diagnosed with an emotional or behavioural problem. While these issues can usually be overcome, they often have a massive impact on the child’s adoptive family. 

My question to you dear readers is do you think that adopted children do have more problems? And I’m not talking about the many kids given up for adoption that have come from high-risk pregnancies, exposing them to potential for developmental delays, impulsive choices, poor choices, attention deficit, hyperactivity, learning disabilities, and emotional disorders.

I do think that we might be more emotional than others and therefore I think that it is highly important for adopted children and their families to have enough support and that they have an adequate mental health support system at reach.

I also believe that God in His sovereignty, places orphaned or abandoned children with families on purpose, even if it doesn’t seem so at that moment. And what I have discovered is that conflicts that arise from adoption issues, whether on the side of parents or of the adopted child, can be overcome.  God has a way of taking conflict and using it for our own good.  God doesn’t give up on us.

So what do you think? Are we mental? Do we inherit traits ? I would really like to hear your thoughts or story, so please do share!