When I first saw the pic on the new cover of Times magazine I though to myself three things :
- She is so pretty ! Wow!
- Tihee! Hey, that scene from the movie of Grown Ups.
Ouch because I breastfed both of my kids and I even nursed one of them until he was 20-21 months old and believe you me, I wish I would have stopped once he started teething but he however though differently.
Yes, I think this woman is pretty, I don’t know why that came up in my mind. Probably because I know what breastesess can look like after nursing for some time. They don’t look like that. At least, I don’t think they would. Do they? Oh boy, nevermind mind.
And now Grown Ups. Common, many of you must have though of this movie right away, Right? How could you not. I think that it was one of the most funny moments in the movie. Ok, there must be others, but I can’t stop thinking of this one perticular scene:
Why I Hate Mothers Day
It celebrates the great lie about women: That those with children are more important than those without…
by author Anne Lamott
How do you feel about mother’s day? Does the upcoming mothers day raise your blood pressure a bit? Is it a day you look forward too or a day that you apprehend? Walking around you see all these advertisements for gift ideas to get your mom. Even your email can’t hide from all that publicity. “Treat your mom to a luxurious spa” —Hmm, spa…
Maybe you lost a child, maybe you grew up without a mom or perhaps your mama died and the though of her is still just to painful.
For me, mother’s day used to be right up there with the other days you “must” celebrate, especially Christmas. I’m not going to get into Christmas just as yet, that might be a post for the next holidays but what I am focussing on now, is mother’s day now or how it should be called: “Hail me for cooking your dinner and doing your laundry day” Now that’s a day I wouldn’t mind getting celebrated for.
However, mother’s day was one of those days that would remind me that I was all alone at some point in my life. Living in a foreign country, raising my teenagers on my own, without any love or support from my a-mother or any family for that matter. My a-dad lived far far away.
And how is it possible anyways for all the other moms out there to be happy and served on mother’s day? My mother-in-law lost her mom last year and the pain is still fresh because it would have been her birthday around this time. They were very close. I have friends who wish they could be mothers but it hasn’t happened or at least not yet. This is a sad day for my friends. How about the single mothers? Who’s cooking for their kids tonight? How about all the mothers who work in restaurants today, serving other mothers? Or in the shops? It’s a recipe for discontentment.
Now don’t me wrong, I don’t hate mother’s day,I used to but I’ve hated it less and less over the years. Not only because my situation has changed: a new loving husband and being found by my birth family, but because of the grace of God. He quieted my heart, He helped me see that I wasn’t alone and that He had great plans in store for me. We are never alone you see:
• We are loved with an everlasting love. (Jeremiah 31:3)
• We are the apple of His eye. (Proverbs 7:2)
• Our name is engraved in the palm of His hands. (Isaiah 49:16)
• We are carried through every storm. (Mark 4:35-41)
• We are wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14)
• We are watched over day and night. (Psalm 121:1-8)
• We are forgiven. (1 John 1:9)
• We are rejoiced over with singing. (Zephaniah 3:17)
I should say though that I am not condemning anyone for celebrating this day but what I do think is that you don’t have to buy expensive gifts to show your love. There are many many other ways to do so. Be creative. I will be giving my birth momma a small gift for the first time, because I want her to know that I care about her, I love her and that mother’s day must have been as painful for her as it was for me and now we can celebrate!
So friends, this year, I won’t be moody if my kids forget me. Over the years they have blessed me with many, many, many sorts of artwork that will last me a lifetime. Heck, even though two of them are teens now, their art still garnishes the walls of our home, more beautiful than any Monet will do. I will remember that I’m not only a blessing to them, but they are a blessing to me too and that is remembered each and everyday in our home.
Try to turn the pain of mother’s day into joy. Enjoy this weekend and remember that you are loved!
Please don’t hesitate to share how you feel about mother’s day. I am not claiming to be a specialist on this matter. My views come from what I’ve learned, what I’ve experienced, and what I’ve perceived as an adult adoptee and so I really would like to hear your thoughts on the matter.
Have a great weekend!
Someone recently asked me how was it that I wasn’t bitter about my whole adoption past.
I asked that person what they meant and they wondered if or why I didn’t feel any resentment about the whole situation.
Just to clarify, my natural parents are still together and they have had two children after me. I have a full blood sister and brother.
I guess, when you think of it, one could feel upset by this. Some adoptees often express such perceptions. Many books, such at The Primal Wound and Journey of the Adopted Self, propose that adoptees not only have these feelings, but that they are correct perceptions, and that the adoptee may never heal from these feelings.
Isn’t this one of the reasons why people were encouraged in the past to keep it from their children, the fact that they were adopted? That it would protect them from a “trauma”?
I’ll be honest, while I had a terrible relationship and experiences with my ado-mom, I kind of felt abandoned. When I had my kids during my teens, I didn’t have a loving mom by my side to help me and guide me on my new journey into motherhood. I didn’t have a role model. I didn’t feel loved, I felt lonely…abandoned maybe.
But after being found and getting to know the story, I think we often forget the “trauma” and the bitterness our birth mothers must have felt. My mother couldn’t forget me, even if she wanted to, because I was born the day after her birthday. I can only imagine how she must have felt, counting year after year. I have at times, delicately tried to pry some info about my birth and I would get pieces here and there, but I can feel her pain and then decide that it’s just better to stop. At least for now.
So, do I feel bitter? NO! If anything, my heart leapt with joy when I found out that they were still together and that I besides having the sister who found me, I too have a brother!
Plus God has proven Himself faithful in every place of brokenness and loss during my life and has blessed me with this reunion. God has convinced me that my life was “meant to be”.
Even if you are not a Christian or you don’t have another religion holding you up and I’m saying this because God has and does keep me up, that life is too short to live it in bitterness, sometimes you just need to see the good things in life and decide to be happy. This doesn’t mean that you can’t ever be sad, but give it a place. We as individuals can choose our own attitudes at any time.
Oh and on a last note, I really hope that I haven’t offended others by what I said and if it seems like I’m belittling your feelings, this is not my intention and I’m sorry. I don’t know all your stories or pain, but I’m sure there is a lot of it. I do not claim to be an expert on anything but my own experiences and I would like to hear yours as well.
- The Primal Wound – More Questions Than Answers! (sharonannevanwyk.wordpress.com)
It’s been a year now since I have met my birth parents with the help of a Belgian tv station/show, they heard about my story and suggested to pay for our trip; mine, husband and the kids, to Canada to meet them and of course station would film it.
Since then I’ve been in daily contact with my b-dad over whatapps and on a weekly basis with my b-mom. After we met them in Canada, they flew over to Belgium for my wedding and got to see how we lived, spend time with their grandchildren and got to meet those dearest to me here.
Our meeting falls into that category of significant and life-changing events that I will never forget: being told that I was adopted, the birth of my children, my moving to Belgium, my wedding day,. All of these events, in fact, were crucial in the timing of my meeting my birthmother. But let me start at the beginning.
I was adopted as a two week old baby in what is called a closed adoption. I was not supposed to meet my birthmother. She was supposed to forget me and get on with her life. We were supposed to ignore the fact that something out of the ordinary had taken place.
What is it like being adopted? Being adopted means being different. Different is not bad, it is just different. To deny my difference would be to deny who I am. I started out in this world differently. My conception, prenatal experience, and birth were different. My birthmother was not joyfully pregnant. No one gave her a baby shower. She never saw the infant she gave birth to. Or at least that’s was what I thought.
Losing the mother who gave you life is traumatic. I wanted to keep a part of her in my soul. I thought about her a lot. My fantasy life about my birthmother was that she was a famous singer. Celine Dion maybe… I didn’t have a lot of facts about her. Only that she too, like myself was a teen mom and I knew her blood type. That’s it. I wondered if she ever thought of me. Did she remember my birthday? I had lots of questions that I wanted to ask her. I wanted to see her. I wondered if I looked like her. I wondered if I looked like anyone.
I was very tall and people would ask me how I got so tall. I didn’t know. They were brunette. I was blonde. People would even say that I looked like my a-dad but I couldn’t help but thinking each time I looked in the mirror; “Whose eyes are those “?
I began to search for my birthmother when I was 18 years old, just shortly after having my second child, my son Jaimy. I was totally a computer illiterate at that time and so I self-educated myself. I created my first e-mail address; I joined support groups, forums and wrote letters to try to obtain information that would help me locate her. I even created groups in Facebook. There were a lot of dead ends and a recurring voice in my head that said I shouldn’t be trying to find her. I would be intruding on her life if I showed up now. It wasn’t fair to her and in the end; I had to admit that she might just not want to be found.
My searching took many routes and I have had many disappointments. I had been searching for thirteen years when I decided to stop. It really consumed me. I let it define my happiness, I let in define who I was and so. At the age of 27 I had given my life back to the Lord and decided to just put it into His hands. I didn’t want it to take over my life anymore, I wanted to just be happy with who I was.
A couple of months after that, coming home after work and having finished my mumly duties, I sat down in my couch and flipped open my laptop to find an email that would change my life forever. It went something like this:
My name is Leah . I am responding to a post I just found on the Quebec Query Board.
My mother’s name is Lynn . She had a daughter when she was very young on April 6th 1978. She named her Brenna.
I have been thinking about searching for my possible sister my whole life. Since my mom told me about her when I was 12.
Today..I made the decision to start the search. I sifted through pages and pages online and contacted a company called Batshaw (who was NOT very helpful).
Then..I stumbled upon this page..scrolled down..reading all of posts from people in the adoption world looking to find family and answers. I didn’t think anything would come of it..but I felt compelled to continue reading on..until I saw an entry that made me forget how to breathe for a few moments.
Posted May 14, 2009
Birth daughter looking for birthmother or relatives. I was born on the (date removed), in Montreal, giving name at birth was Brenna.
Is there a chance that this is a coincidence??? I’m not sure. But I would love to speak with you.
You can contact me whenever you like. My fingers are crossed it will be soon!”
What more can I say? I am blessed to have such a caring and wonderful sister who finally looked for me. I also now have father, brother and of course birthmother and we are fortunate indeed to all know each other. Even if it did take thirty-one years to meet.
10. To be able to eat a whole tub of Ben ‘n Jerry’s alone. Crème fraiche? But of course!
9. To have my 16 year-old daughter answer a question without rolling her eyes in that “Why is this person my mother?”.
8. Five pounds of chocolate that won’t add twenty.
7. Not having any kid yell at the toilet door that “it’s an emergency” or “just” wants to ask a question the second I sit down with my favorite magazine.
6. A full time cleaning,cooking,grocery shopping and ironing person – period!
5. For one of my teenagers to announce “Hey, Mom! I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!”
4. Having a pleasant unexpected visit from a friend- WHEN THE HOUSE IS CLEAN.
3. To have a family meal without a discussion about bodily secretions or having to hear the phrase “mom, make her/him stop looking at me”.
2. To be able to have enough warm water for a shower myself .
1. For my “babies” to never have to grow up.
Have a great day,
If you have followed my posts I want to thank you first for showing some interest in my story.
So you’ll know that I’m adopted.
I’ve been searching for my birth mother ever since my son was born. When my daughter was born first I was 15 years (almost 16) old at the time, and too preoccupied with my new meaning of life. I did think for a split second of how my birth mother could give such a beautiful thing away…but that was only for a split second. I had other things to think and worry about.
Having my son a couple of years later really started to get me thinking. I was older by then and had already experienced motherhood. I never really thought of her in a negative way, but I can’t say that I could understand her actions then. I just couldn’t give my baby away. Where there is a will ,there’s a way!
I started frequently thinking about her, maybe because I was feeling lonely again due to the separation with my partner. I didn’t have any family where I was living and I had banned my adoptive mother from my life once I moved out.
I called my adoption father who was by then talking to me again. I asked him about the adoption and asked him about all the details that he had. He gave me all the info he had plus the name of the doctor involved .I got this doctors number and dialled him a soon as I could. I got him soon enough on the phone and explained to him who I was . He listened and was very nice but he said that it was a closed adoption and that he couldn’t give me any info. He could however send me my medical birth records. I guess that was better than nothing. He also gave me an address of an agencie who could help me with my search.
I wrote to that agency and received forms to fill in, but it wasn’t without any costs . I think it would have cost me around 300 or 400$. I didn’t have that money to spare to be honest, so those forms stayed in my cupboard.I received my medical records, but I didn’t learn much except for that my birth mother was seventeen I think and what my birth name was . Knowing what my birth name was did make me happy, at least my birth mother named me.
I had left it rest the searching thing for a couple of years. I had other worries on my mind. But then came the internet ERA to my home. Wow …I would have never imagined as a child that everyone would have 1 or more pc’s in their homes let alone that we could send virtual letters to each other and such!
I was taking internet lessons and I learned how to make my own email account, how to “surf” the web. The teacher asked me one day if there is anything I would really like to learn and after years of almost forgetting that I was adopted , I had all of a sudden the urge to give it another go. I told her briefly that I was adopted, that I didn’t know my birth parents but that I would like to look for them.
I don’t know sweety, ask mommy or Google.
My teacher then typed in “adoption” in the wonderful Google search engine ( thumbs up for Page and Brin…and for Wikipedia ) . After she pushed the enter button I had a life changing moment . I never imagined that there would be so many topics and issues about adoption, so much to read, amazing. She then showed me a few sites with forums on them and explained what a forum was. My real searching began there and then.
I started posting on every query board, forum or anything else involved with adoption. I searched sites for anybody who might be looking for me. Sometimes I would on the web for days and then I would get frustrated and then didn’t go near the pc for weeks.
It was so very frustrating. All these thoughts came into my head:
– Maybe my birth mother doesn’t have internet….
-Maybe she can’t remember when I was born ….(ok a bit far-fetched but possible)
-Maybe she has passed away …Dear Lord, please no!
-Or she might just not be looking for me
Years passed, without any news. I kept on surfing the web, searching, but not as often anymore. I discovered Facebook, that was another site I really enjoyed. Being able to connect with old friends from back home. I really loved that and still do, it has made me feel much closer to home.
The older I got, the less hope I had of ever finding ANY blood relatives. I have sufficiently put myself out there and there was no way that if someone was looking for me that they couldn’t find me.
Over the years I had thought more and more about my birth mother, for some reason with every birthday, I would calculate how old that she would be .
My children don’t look very much like me so I would always wonder if they looked like her ? Or my birth dad.
I would wonder if she would still think of me, did she have any other children? Maybe she has gotten married to some guy who doesn’t even know that I exist. Maybe I was a family secret? Oh no!
I have a very fertile imagination ,so I could think up stories and get myself upset over it. I really started getting frustrated and sad.
Adoption Cartoon e-Book by C.Papile
It’s really hard to explain, but the frustration you get, by not finding what you’re looking for, is for me beyond words. It’s like your being “rejected” again . After years of looking and being excited of what you might find, comes years of sadness at finding nothing. When I look back at those years, I’m embarrassed to say that I had self-piety. Poor little me, nobody wanted me, nobody wants me, nobody is looking for me.
A couple of months ago, our Pastor was doing a sermon on prayer . He was explaining that God answers every prayer that is lifted to Him. Sometimes God answers “no” or “wait.”But God only promises to grant our prayers when we ask according to His will. “This is the confidence we have in approaching God:
“that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him” 1 John 5:14-15
Well, I prayed each and every night for many weeks after that. Asking the Lord to help me find my birth mother. That this was so very important for me. I needed to know her, I needed to find her and I needed to tell her that I didn’t hate her for giving me up !
During my prayers ,somehow I though of the tough years I had behind me. How even though my children had whatever they needed, however much that I love them…would I have not wanted a better life for them? Of course I would, but I did my best and I’m glad that I have had them. But yet, I could understand why a woman would give up her child if she herself had nothing to offer(think that she had nothing to offer). That too is motherly love, wanting the best for your child, even if it kills you inside.
Weeks when by, my prayers left unanswered. I don’t have much patience unfortunately. I’m a now person ! So one day, I didn’t sleep very well the previous night, so I was cuddled up with a blanket in the sofa in the morning and just started writing a letter to my birth mother. I had almost given up hope by then of ever being found and I just decided to write a letter for her, of how I felt . I would probably never be able to ever give it to her, but it was a sort of therapy, like writing this blog.
I wrote the letter and saved it in my documents on my computer. That was it. I now give up.
Lord you have a plan for me. I trust in you. But please take this sadness away from my heart, I can’t cope with this feeling anymore.
But on the 16th of November 2009 , I was found.
To be continued ….