Our tiny little miracle!

I’m sorry that I haven’t been updating my posts, it’s just that I wanted to be very careful about what I was going to say.

You know that I had a miscarriage on New Year’s eve of a 6 week old embryo whose heart just didn’t start to beat. But today I do have the courage, the courage to tell you all that I AM again pregnant!

It’s now been 9 weeks and I have had 3 sonograms. We saw and heard the heartbeat at 6 weeks and yesterday we saw the ‘baby’ move! I couldn’t believe eyes and asked my husband if he saw it too. Just making sure that I wasn’t hallucinating there. But I wasn’t. It was the most incredible moment, E-v-e-r!

Dear Father God, I thank you for letting us see our baby move for the first time. I pray for our baby’s heart as it finishes dividing into four chambers, and the valves start to form — as do her/his tiny teeth. I also pray for our baby’s organs, muscles, and nerves that are now kicking into gear. You already know who this baby will be, a girl or a boy, yet it is only now forming in my womb. Let it all happen according to your will.

Please take the anxiety away from me and help me trust You in full.

Bless all who deal with loss, infertility and all who visites my humble blog, in Jesus Christ name I pray,  Amen.

9 weeks

 

He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the LORD! – Psalms 113:9

Step one : succes

Well, beyond our expectations, our little egg became an embryo and the transfer happened last Sunday, on Pentecost. Yay!!! A four cell emmy.

I really didn’t think that it would happen, but it did. What are the odds? I’m just so grateful and in awe. Even if our Emmy doesn’t stick, I’m still really confident that it will happen one day and can’t stop thanking God for this miracle.

Now the horrible 2 week wait and imagining anything. I’m using Utrogestan and i really hate that it gives you pregnancy symptoms. My “ladies” are tender and I’m feeling nauseous, but my brain is telling me that with an 6 day emmy its impossible to feel anything yet. Or am I wrong?

Love to hear from you guys.

1 egg

Had the pick up today. It wasn’t a great day. I already had a bad feeling that I couldn’t shake.

The vaginal ultra sound machine was broke, so the doctor needed to use another one, not really as well equipped for pick ups..so the doctor was frustrated..l was in pain…the result : 1 egg.

Then the hubby needed to transport the potential egg to another hospital where it needs to be fertilized, but the electricity lighter thingy in the car wasn’t working properly ( the box needs to be plugged in to keep warm) so the hubby needed to hold it down while driving.

1 egg… Better than none. First IVF trial I was pregnant with one egg, but it wasn’t meant to be. So who knows this time? But I’m keeping the faith, I’m at peace, if it’s not now, maybe next time. We still have three more tries. Thank God for the Belgian health system. You get 6 trials repaid by your health insurance here.

We will know tomorrow if the egg is an embryo. Fingers crossed.

Pick up tomorrow

So tomorow is d-day and since Tuesday, I have a throat infection. Ta-da-dum! My house doctor gave a me a three day antibiotic treatment knowing about the pick up, but I’m still not feeling better. Plus I have a very upset stomach. I’ll spare you the details, but maybe it has something to do with the Pregnyl shot I had yesterday?

I had 5 follicles, but they didn’t seem to grow much this week and the doctor said he’s afraid that a few have “gone away”… Whatever that means, but to my ears, that doesn’t sound positive, yet he still wanted to do the pick up. I’m hoping that something will be there. I’m just choosing to put my trust in God and his will for over our life. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not stressed out and wont be disappointed….

Prov 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight

Wish us luck.

Trial number 3 and Mother’s day

I want to first of all start by saying :

Happy Mother’s day to you all. Every woman is a mother to someone in some way… whether spiritual, emotional, adoptive, or biological. To all of you, happy Mother’s Day. God loves you!

My third trial began last Monday and like the second it’s the Antogonist protocol. I seem to react better on it. So for the last 7 days I’ve been injecting myself with 200ml Gonal F and the nurse injected me with Cetrocide that just came out of the fridge (not pleasant).

cetrotide

The doctor could see that I had about 5 follicles (my reserves are down) and he decided to do the pick up this coming Thursday. It baffles me each time how short the protocol is. Thank God! I’m sweating like a pig and having restless nights. Please tell me that I’m not the only one?

So, there you go, a quick recap of what has been going on. I hope to hear from you guys, give me some positive news!!!

Love,

M.-C.

Second IVF trial failed, but not our faith.

I was making muffins when I heard the all to familiar beep from my phone letting me know that I had a voice mail. I dropped everything, searched my purse for my phone and saw that fertility clinic had called. I phoned them back while finishing off my muffins. In the meantime, my son and his friend were having lunch and making fun at my multi-tasking skills.

When I finally got the doctor on the other line, she started with : “Miriam, I don’t have good news for you.”

She was then explaining the next steps to take….wait another month….your body needs to rest….blablabla and I was just replying with a “yes” and a uhuh”, trying to fight back the tears.

When I hung up the phone, I left my muffins, tried not to make any eye contact with my son or his friend and made it for the living room. When I shut the door, I let the warm tears flow. My son, knowing me all to well, had followed me and gave me hugs and kisses. I’m glad that I wasn’t alone, but I still felt like I had to be strong and so again, I was pushing the tears back, making it hard for me to swallow. Since then, I haven’t cried anymore, but I feel the urge to now and then. I just want to run away, be alone, and cry, cry, cry.

Stupid progesterone!!! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!. Making me feel nauseous, my breasts tender, tired and everything I felt last time I was pregnant. Yet I was not. 

A few days before the blood test, I was again searching the infertility forums for symptoms and stuff. ‘How long after a transfer can you test with a home test?’, ‘How long after a transfer do you start getting pregnancy symptoms?’  When I came across the new song form JJ Heller called ‘Who You are’. ( I was listening to the new Christian song releases somewhere)

The first verse goes :

 

All she wanted was a baby to hold
She’s still waiting, at 41 years old
Her life feels like a tragedy
And it’s driving her down to her knees

She says I don’t know,
I don’t know what you’re doing
But I know who You are

 

I was hoping that this wasn’t a sign, just like when I was singing “You give and take away” the day before I found out my baby’s heart wasn’t beating last December… 

But I have been repeating and repeating those lines to myself “I don’t know, I don’t know what you’re doing, but I know who You are” ever since I heard it the first time.

 What does that mean? That means that even when I don’t understand why things happen, I know that God is love, mercy and comfort to all those who believe. I know that God is in control. I know that He has a plan for my life, our life, whatever it is. It’s like when I was frustrated at not finding my birth family after searching for so many years and that I just decided to let it go and trust God. His plan was much bigger than I could have ever expected or wanted. So again, I choose to trust in Him.

 11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare[a] and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. – Jeremiah 29 : 11

 

 “Father God, I know that you know the prayer in my heart, which is for another child. I pray that your will may be done in this matter. While another child is my greatest wish for myself and my husband, I know that my will is not important. All I can ask Father, is that you help me to be joyful and accepting no matter what the circumstance. I pray for your guidance regarding the timing of our next cycle and the way to go about it and for your support and love while I endure the physical and emotional challenges it will bring.”

 

The hellish two week wait

So, I had my pick up last Wednesday and we have three embryos, high five to the doctor, my husband and myself for the good job. I’m hoping for three healthy babies then.

On Friday they put one back, so now we are in the waiting zone. Arg, I hate this part. I can’t seem to think about anything else, I’m watching my food, making the kids clean out the kitty liter ( I don’t mind that part)  and staying away from Sushi ( I DO mind that part).

Father God, I ask you to help us have a baby and a healthy one. Help me to have patience and to trust in you Lord. I’m not sure if I should pray for the a baby in this cycle, or for one in the next, because only You know what plans you have for us. Help us to have faith, even when we don’t understand. Thank you for all the blessings we do have, knowing through you all things are possible.

I equally pray for all those who suffer from infertility Lord.
Amen

Our reasons for IVF: Christian parents

As I said in my previous post, I’m going to explain to you why we choose to do In Vitro and our point of view as Christians. This is OUR point of view, we do not have the right to judge others and so we don’t. I am sure that other Christians dealing with infertility have prayed prayed prayed about their situation and have chosen to do fertility treatment or not. This is a personal question only left up to the couple and to God.

Before I start, let me explain. I already have two “children”. A son of 17 yo and a 19 yo daughter. I was 15 and 17 yo when I had them. I have never regretted having them, instead of “holding me back” or “missing out”, they in the contrary embellished my life and they are everything to me. It doesn’t take away the fact that I was very young. Now that I am 34 and have a wonderful husband and a stable income, I would love to have a child with him. My husband also has a 10 yo daughter who lives with us every other week.

Why did we choose to do In Vitro?

I suffer from a serious form of Endometriosis. Endometriosis is a female health disorder that occurs when cells from the lining of the womb (uterus) grow in other areas of the body. This can lead to pain, irregular bleeding, and problems getting pregnant. In my case, I regularly form cysts, chocolate cysts the doctors call it because they are filled with old blood. I need surgery every so often to remove them, and them in December 2011, they had to remove my left fallopian tube because it was damaged beyond repair. The right fallopian tube is totally blocked, but the surgeon left it there because he knew that my husband and I wanted to have children together. We had just gotten married. The surgeon did tell us that it was only a matter of time before they would have to remove the other tube, due to pain and infections. So we had limited time.

Still, we waited, prayed and talked to other Christians, asking their point of view. Many told us that God can work in mysterious ways and that we needed to be patient, but we didn’t have much time. And I do believe in healing from God, but I equally believe that he has giving doctors the gift as well. Plus, I never heard of a fallopian tube growing back? Ha, you never know.

Anyway, we visited a fertility doctor last summer. We had already been to his office almost a year before, and when he asked us why we took so long to make a decision, we told him that we were Christians. Not something very common here in Belgium and you could see the surprise on his face. Anyway, we explained to him our beliefs and what we wanted and what we definitely didn’t want. No destroying of embryos. I think that when you are a Christian, you must speak to your doctor frankly. Many people don’t think that an embryo is a life yet because it doesn’t have a heartbeat, but it is a creation. It’s alive, it’s growing and it has DNA. It might not have a heartbeat, it doen’t look like a baby, yet, all the qualities are there and it has the potential to become a human being. Again, it’s a creation from me and my husband. From a mother and a father. A fetus is just as much human as a human who is already born. Just how “child” and “adult” are words describing stages in a human’s life, so is the term “fetus.” It just describes an unborn life.

Getting off track here. So, being honest with our doctor helped a lot. Many women really want to have as many follicles (potential eggs) as possible. I didn’t but when my three follicles only resulted in my having just one egg…well, I was disappointed, because, after hearing all the stories and people telling you that the chances are slim, well, 1 egg doesn’t give you much chance, does it? But our doctor said ‘you only need one egg’. Our egg did become an embryo, a top embryo the laboratory told us and after two days, they put our emmy back. Ten days later, I found out that I was pregnant. One egg. It was a miracle in our eyes. God has given me what I had asked for, just like Hannah in the book of Samuel, she was barren and childless, she asked God for a child, and He granted her Samuel.

“I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him.” 1 Samuel 1:27

But for reasons that I or no one else can understand, this emmy died in my womb.

When you go through a miscarriage, a woman tends to blame herself first. I shouldn’t have done this, I shouldn’t have eaten that. Maybe if I would have done this or that….but in the end, sometimes nature just takes over. We have mourned our unborn child, but we know where he/she is, and the fact that I became pregnant instantly, with just one egg, has been a miracle in our eyes.

This has been a couple of months ago. I am now in my second trial. We are doing the antagonist protocol in a natural cycle. I am again on Gonal F (low dose) and started Certrotide yesterday. If any of you have done or are doing treatment and have used Certrotide as well, please tell me the itchiness is normal. Arg. Looked like I had a mosquito bite after the shot. But it’s all back to normal now. On the ultrasound yesterday, I had 5 follicles  The doctor is waiting for three of them to be big enough and we will hopefully be doing the pick up next week. There can be three eggs, or none, you never know. I’m just hoping for one good one. God still stays in control, no matter what.

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