I’m a mummy in mourning

I’ve never really enjoyed Christmas that much before I met my husband but every year since we met, it was getting better and better. This year especially. I couldn’t wait to put up the Christmas decorations. My husband and kids were joking around in their Christmas hats and I couldn’t resist to taking loads of pictures and sharing them on Instagram. Then when our beautiful tree was all done up, we took a few pictures of us sitting next to it. Well, a few is not the word,  I was horrified at how fat I looked on the pictures, so I made everyone move around until I looked less fat. Me looking less fat was only possible by me sitting on the bottom of the stairs, between two of my kids and directing  the camera to just above my waist. Still I though that I looked hideous, but I calmed myself down with the idea that next year, we would be holding our new addition to the family in next year’s Christmas pictures. Yep, I was pregnant. But two days before Christmas, I was bleeding heavily, the doctor reassured me and said that it was due to a blood cloth next to the baby, not to worry and so Christmas came, and I received a knitted bonnet from my sister -in -law, but the Friday after Christmas , the doctor couldn’t see a heartbeat and on New Year’s eve, I spent it in the ICU, having a miscarriage.

Despite our great loss, I can’t imagine not experiencing the joy that we did over our child’s conception.  I can’t imagine not sharing in the love of our child with our family and friends, or sharing it with the world.  I can’t imagine not learning the difficult but beautiful lessons about life and death that we have through this experience.  Losing our child through miscarriage does not undo all that was done.  The baby was conceived.  He or She was loved.  I was blessed to carry the him/her.  We are all blessed to carry him now in our hearts till we meet him again.  I want every woman to know that her child’s life, her experience in carrying her daughter or son, is a gift, no matter how it’s packaged. He just got the heaven before we did, he is already home.

I dedicate this video of ‘Glory Baby’ by Watermark to our lost baby.

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