The angry adoptee?

Someone recently asked me how was it that I wasn’t bitter about my whole adoption past.

I asked that person what they meant and they wondered if or why I didn’t feel any resentment about the whole situation.

Just to clarify, my natural parents are still together and they have had two children after me. I have a full blood sister and brother.

I guess, when you think of it, one could feel upset by this. Some adoptees often express such perceptions. Many books, such at The Primal Wound and Journey of the Adopted Self, propose that adoptees not only have these feelings, but that they are correct perceptions, and that the adoptee may never heal from these feelings.

Isn’t this one of the reasons why people were encouraged in the past to keep it from their children, the fact that they were adopted? That it would protect them from a “trauma”?

I’ll be honest, while I had a terrible relationship and experiences with my ado-mom, I kind of felt abandoned. When I had my kids during my teens, I didn’t have a loving mom by my side to help me and guide me on my new journey into motherhood. I didn’t have a role model. I didn’t feel loved, I felt lonely…abandoned maybe.

But after being found and getting to know the story, I think we often forget the “trauma” and the bitterness our birth mothers must have felt. My mother couldn’t forget me, even if she wanted to, because I was born the day after her birthday. I can only imagine how she must have felt, counting year after year. I have at times, delicately tried to pry some info about my birth and I would get pieces here and there, but I can feel her pain and then decide that it’s just better to stop. At least for now.

So, do I feel bitter? NO! If anything, my heart leapt with joy when I found out that they were still together and that I besides having the sister who found me, I too have a brother!

Plus God has proven Himself faithful in every place of brokenness and loss during my life and has blessed me with this reunion. God has convinced me that my life was “meant to be”.

Even if you are not a Christian or you don’t have another religion holding you up and I’m saying this because God has and does keep me up, that life is too short to live it in bitterness, sometimes you just need to see the good things in life and decide to be happy. This doesn’t mean that you can’t ever be sad, but give it a place. We as individuals can choose our own attitudes at any time.

Oh and on a last note, I really hope that I haven’t offended others by what I said and if it seems like I’m belittling your feelings, this is not my intention and I’m sorry. I don’t know all your stories or pain, but I’m sure there is a lot of it. I do not claim to be an expert on anything but my own experiences and I would like to hear yours as well.

  • The Primal Wound – More Questions Than Answers! (sharonannevanwyk.wordpress.com)

Are we adoptees just mental?

I think one thing we adoptees must have in common is wondering from who we have inherited some of our habits.

If you have kids like me, you must have at one point or another compared your child’s habits and looks to yourself or to that of their other parent. All the good things have come from you of course and all the bad ones from the other person. Hey, at least, that’s what I do. However, now that mine are teens, I do realize that my daughter has many unpleasant habits in common with me, like her stubbornness or being convinced that she is always right and oh “the rolling of the eyes”…arg!

When I was little, my adoptive parents told me that they saw the doctor who delivered me and who was active in the adoption procedure during a trip to Wal-Mart’s. He looked at me and told them that he knew from whom I had inherited my long fingers. And that was it, that was the one and only thing I knew about them at that time and I have always carried that sentence in my heart and would wonder and dream about my natural parents. Huh, I imagined my mother being Céline Dion for some crazy reason.

Then I became a teen and my adoptive parents had divorced and my mother then took me back to her country of origin, Belgium. She had always had severe manic depression, but coming back to Belgium and not finding it the same as she had left it , 30 some years before, well that just put fuel on to her depression and she started to drink and take pills on top of it. I will spare you the details, but my teenage years were horrible, and I’m being mild here.

So as being a young adult, I had put it to the back of my mind, the though of me looking like someone else out there, and replaced those dreams I used to have with fear of becoming like my adoptive mother. Anytime I would have a tad bit too much to drink, I instantly would think of her and be petrified that I would be changing into her, an alcoholic. Or if I would have a couple of days of feeling down, (usually once a month) I would be scared that I was getting into a depression.

Last week I was doing my daily newspaper morning surfing and was reading an article in the Daily mail titled :

“When Cherry adopted these ‘angelic’ sisters she thought a loving home would heal the wounds of their troubled past. How terrifyingly wrong she was.”

In short it’s about a couple who have adopted two sisters. The eldest was 3 years old and the youngest 6 months. Their natural mother was a troubled person and couldn’t care for them anymore and so they moved from foster home to foster home, until this couple adopted them.

Picture isn’t me, but I was however delivered in a laundry basket.

According to the article , this couple was a stable family and having all the means necessary to raise these children happily and comfortably. Unfortunately after having adopted these children , they noticed some behavioral problems that caused much stress. In the end, the couple divorced, the wife ended up having to care for these children on a minimal income and the girls, now in their twenties are behind bars in jail. “‘Ironically they have followed exactly the same pattern as their mother,’ says Cherry.”

Again, this is a short sum up and to get the whole picture you should read the article yourself.

Then one paragraph really caught my attention :

Quite understandably, adopted children often suffer emotional difficulties. A U.S. study found that being adopted approximately doubles the odds of an adolescent being diagnosed with an emotional or behavioural problem. While these issues can usually be overcome, they often have a massive impact on the child’s adoptive family. 

My question to you dear readers is do you think that adopted children do have more problems? And I’m not talking about the many kids given up for adoption that have come from high-risk pregnancies, exposing them to potential for developmental delays, impulsive choices, poor choices, attention deficit, hyperactivity, learning disabilities, and emotional disorders.

I do think that we might be more emotional than others and therefore I think that it is highly important for adopted children and their families to have enough support and that they have an adequate mental health support system at reach.

I also believe that God in His sovereignty, places orphaned or abandoned children with families on purpose, even if it doesn’t seem so at that moment. And what I have discovered is that conflicts that arise from adoption issues, whether on the side of parents or of the adopted child, can be overcome.  God has a way of taking conflict and using it for our own good.  God doesn’t give up on us.

So what do you think? Are we mental? Do we inherit traits ? I would really like to hear your thoughts or story, so please do share!

The one year anniversary of meeting my birth parents.

It’s been a year now since I have met my birth parents with the help of a Belgian tv station/show, they heard about my story and suggested to pay for our trip; mine, husband and the kids, to Canada to meet them and of course station would film it.

Since then I’ve been in daily contact with my b-dad over whatapps and on a weekly basis with my b-mom. After we met them in Canada, they flew over to Belgium for my wedding and got to see how we lived, spend time with their grandchildren and got to meet those dearest to me here.

Our meeting falls into that category of significant and life-changing events that I will never forget:  being told that I was adopted, the birth of my children, my moving to Belgium, my wedding day,. All of these events, in fact, were crucial in the timing of my meeting my birthmother. But let me start at the beginning.

I was adopted as a two week old baby in what is called a closed adoption. I was not supposed to meet my birthmother. She was supposed to forget me and get on with her life. We were supposed to ignore the fact that something out of the ordinary had taken place.

What is it like being adopted? Being adopted means being different. Different is not bad, it is just different. To deny my difference would be to deny who I am. I started out in this world differently. My conception, prenatal experience, and birth were different. My birthmother was not joyfully pregnant. No one gave her a baby shower. She never saw the infant she gave birth to. Or at least that’s was what I thought.

Losing the mother who gave you life is traumatic. I wanted to keep a part of her in my soul. I thought about her a lot. My fantasy life about my birthmother was that she was a famous singer. Celine Dion maybe… I didn’t have a lot of facts about her. Only that she too, like myself was a teen mom and I knew her blood type. That’s it. I wondered if she ever thought of me. Did she remember my birthday? I had lots of questions that I wanted to ask her. I wanted to see her. I wondered if I looked like her. I wondered if I looked like anyone.

I was very tall and people would ask me how I got so tall. I didn’t know. They were brunette. I was blonde. People would even say that I looked like my a-dad but I couldn’t help but thinking each time I looked in the mirror; “Whose eyes are those “?

I began to search for my birthmother when I was 18 years old, just shortly after having my second child, my son Jaimy. I was totally a computer illiterate at that time and so I self-educated myself. I created my first e-mail address; I joined support groups, forums and wrote letters to try to obtain information that would help me locate her. I even created groups in Facebook. There were a lot of dead ends and a recurring voice in my head that said I shouldn’t be trying to find her. I would be intruding on her life if I showed up now. It wasn’t fair to her and in the end; I had to admit that she might just not want to be found.

My searching took many routes and I have had many disappointments. I had been searching for thirteen years when I decided to stop. It really consumed me. I let it define my happiness, I let in define who I was and so. At the age of 27 I had given my life back to the Lord and decided to just put it into His hands.  I didn’t want it to take over my life anymore, I wanted to just be happy with who I was.

A couple of months after that, coming home after work and having finished my mumly duties, I sat down in my couch and flipped open my laptop to find an email that would change my life forever. It went something like this:

“Hello Miriam!
My name is Leah . I am responding to a post I just found on the Quebec Query Board.
My mother’s name is Lynn . She had a daughter when she was very young on April 6th 1978. She named her Brenna.
I have been thinking about searching for my possible sister my whole life. Since my mom told me about her when I was 12.
Today..I made the decision to start the search. I sifted through pages and pages online and contacted a company called Batshaw (who was NOT very helpful).
Then..I stumbled upon this page..scrolled down..reading all of posts from people in the adoption world looking to find family and answers. I didn’t think anything would come of it..but I felt compelled to continue reading on..until I saw an entry that made me forget how to breathe for a few moments.
Posted May 14, 2009
Birth daughter looking for birthmother or relatives. I was born on the (date removed), in Montreal, giving name at birth was Brenna.

Is there a chance that this is a coincidence??? I’m not sure. But I would love to speak with you.
You can contact me whenever you like. My fingers are crossed it will be soon!”

What more can I say? I am blessed to have such a caring and wonderful  sister  who finally looked for me. I also now have father, brother and of course birthmother and we are fortunate indeed to all know each other. Even if it did take thirty-one years to meet.

Image

I’m the one in white. Sorry, but the blury is for privacy reason’s. I looked awful.

Who am I you say?

Hello curious readers and thank you for visiting my blog!

My name is Miriam Christina and I’ve always wanted to share a bit of my life, for therapeutically reasons, for wanting to give some hope to those in similar situations or just for the selfish reason of putting myself out there !

This blog is all about life ! Life as an adoptee, life as a teenage mum, life as a struggling young adult, life far away from home, spiritual life, lonely life and now a somewhat content life. Oh yes and a very exciting , life changing moment : the being found life !

To some people, those who will be doing me the honor of taking some time out of their busy lives to read a bit of mine, well it will maybe seem a bit much, a bit unimaginable, but I’m promising you that all that I will be writing here, will be the truth and I thank you in advance, for taking some interest in what I have to say.

“The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.” ~ G.K. Chesterton

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