Dreaming, missing and hoping

I woke up in the middle of the night from a dream I was having. You know the kind where you actually regret waking up because it was so good.

I was dreaming that I was shopping with my sister, we shopped, we walked, we went for lunch in down town Toronto to her favourite vegan place. We were having some quality sister time.

Then I woke up just before I was going to have a bite out of my sandwich. Typical, food wakes me up.

I went to the bathroom and quickly jumped back into the warm bed next to my husband, but I couldn’t fall asleep  All I could think about was my birth family.

We spent the summer with them, three weeks, but we had to divide our time between my a-dad (and his family) and my birth parents. This didn’t go as smoothly as I hoped for, but that is expected when two families have to share one. Plus, the fact that my husband and three children where sharing a home with my birth family of four, came with it’s own struggles. We all like our private space and it was a challenge sharing it I must say.

But two weeks ago, when I watched a film montage that my daughter had put together of our time in Ontario, all I could feel was sadness. Sadness because I missed them so much and I’m pretty sure that I’m not the only one. When my sister and b-father saw the movie, they too said that they missed us and that we had such a great time. It’s weird, you don’t remember the ‘not so good times’ when you are missing someone, you only remember the good.

Even though I find myself to be blessed because I found my birth family, when so many haven’t, I still feel a bit bitter at times because of the fact that we live so far away from each other. A big Atlantic pool between us. I often find myself checking plane ticket fares hoping to find a good deal, but there is never a good deal when your family consists of 5 people on one pay check.

I guess I’ll just keep on dreaming…a whatsapp’ing.

“The scariest thing about distance is that you don’t know whether they will miss you, or forget you. “

If you have found birth relatives, do you see them much? Do you live far apart? If so, how do you build up a relationship?

Paradox by Lynn Grubb

As an adoptee I find it hard to explain exactly how I feel about adoption. Even though I think adoption is necessary in our disposable world…and I understand the sentiment of couples having difficulties conceiving, I still struggle with my own situation. I usually answer people’s questions on adoption with “yes, I agree that there are too many unwanted children out there, but….” And then I shut down.
I have a semi happy ending, being found a few years ago and since have reunited with my birth family, yet, although one wound closed…it seemed like another one opened.(more on that later)
Anyway, I still count myself blessed, but still at a loss of words on the matter, until I found a voice over at The lost daughters website.

I just wanted to share this with you all and suggest you visit their wonderful website.

Adoption is

a concept, a belief and an action
A lack of choice and being chosen
A legal solution to a spiritual problem
A spiritual solution to a legal problem
A loving choice and a thrusting upon
A nurturing touch yet a stealing away

it saved me; yet damaged me
Provided for me, yet took away from me
Blessed me yet cursed me
Gave me a name and took a name
It creates a chance for love to grow and a door for misunderstanding
It creates a family out of strangers and strangers out of family
It inspires and teaches and it wounds and damages

Adoption is

My friend and my enemy
A thorn in my side and my shining light
A rainbow and a gravestone
Acceptance and rejection
Truth and lies
Known and unknown
Love and hatred
a casting away and returning

Adoption is

Not my friend nor my enemy
Not the excuse or the cause
Not perfect or evil
Not the reason or the scapegoat
Not who I am or who I am not
Everything and nothing

(copyright Lynn Grubb; may reproduce with permission)

My nominees for the Beautiful Blogger Award

Yaaaaay! I’ve been wonderfully nominated by Sue,  blogger of  the Wild Geese blog. I don’t know what it actually means, is there a prize attached? Will my picture be in the news paper? Maybe I won a cruise?

Oh well, I don’t think so, but thank you so very much Sue for liking my blog enough to want to nominate me. Maybe it’s something that just happens in the blogging world? I dunno  but the fact is, I am grateful . I appreciate anyone who reads my stuff and I extend a warm welcome to everyone and anyone.

Now I need to choose some nominees. I decided to choose from my personal bookmark list of inspirational adoptee bloggers whom I  love to follow plus a very special earthy/hobo mom blogger. You learn something each day, you expand your horizons, and you see out of the box. Thank you ladies for having such inspirational blogs !beautifulbloggeraward21

And my nominees are (drumroll…..) :

Emilie from Never Said Goodbye

Sarah  from Walk Slowly, Live Wildly

Rebecca from Love is not a pie

Jenn from Insert Bad Movie Title here

signature

I AM an Adoptee and I am NOT offended by the Avengers movie

Ok, I’m probably going to step on some toes here, but I am going to share with you, my personal feelings towards this topic. When it first came to my attention I was thinking, oh boy, what now. I didn’t really feel like getting into it and just ignored it at the start. However, I have installed a daily Google alert about adoption,  sending me an email with a list of adoption topics and wow, it is FULL of articles and posts about the Avengers movie, so I cannot ignore it anymore and I’m going to give you my two cents.

I am an adoptee and I am not offended. I love anything “Marvel” and do know quite a bit about all of these characters, I guess that makes me a bit of a nerd, oeps, sorry, didn’t want to offend all the nerds out there.

So this is the exchange in the film:

The Black Widow character says, “[Loki] killed 80 people in two days.” Then Thor, Loki’s brother, replies, “He’s adopted.”

“He’s adopted” isn’t saying that he is evil because of the adoption, but stating that he comes from a different lineage, so technically he isn’t part of the Odinson bloodline…

I can understand that some of you who have children through adoption find this heart breaking, but try to explain it like that and you need to understand the story behind it. If you haven’t seen the movie Thor yet, then maybe you should. I mean, there have been worse things said about adoptees on TV that children have seen. I’m thinking of “South Park” . I try to not let me kids watch it, but you don’t always know what they are watching over at their friends houses and when you aren’t at home, so you can’t always protect them from things like that.

And if adopted children are asking that if one bad adoptee means that they too are bad, their parents need to IMMEDIATELY start having a conversation about prejudice and discrimination of  individuals and groups. Are all Italians mobsters? All all women lousy parkers? That gingers don’t have a soul? I could go on. Plus, all of these topics are regularly seen on television or in movies.

I would also like to just share with you an article from The Washington Times. I’m sorry, but I’m thinking that Mrs or Miss Poe  could have left some things out. I respect and can agree on some things but not this part for example:

Want proof of just how bad that line is?

I like to do something I call “the substitution game,” whereby if I want to check whether or not a line is acceptable I simple swap out whatever word I have questions about with either the words “Jewish” or “African American.”  If the line sits well using both of these, the line passes the test.

So let’s try that here to find out if people would think the line was so funny if these words were used instead of  “adopted.”

So here we go:

The Black Widow character says, “[Loki] killed 80 people in two days.” Then Thor, Loki’s brother, replies, “He’s Jewish.”

Ugh…awkward, isn’t it? Doesn’t seem quite so funny.

OK, let’s try again:

The Black Widow character says, “[Loki] killed 80 people in two days.” Then Thor, Loki’s brother, replies, “He’s African American.”

Really? Really? You need to insert  Jewish or African-American to know if it’s an acceptable line? Like my husband said, “ Why don’t you just insert serial killer instead?”  –>sarcasm

I find that a bit racist to be honest, thinking of those two words … If I was Jewish or African-American, THEN I would be offended.

I am now going to end this post by saying that I am only speaking about my personal feelings on the matter and in NO WAY saying that other adoptees or parents shouldn’t be offended or can’t feel hurt, just that I am not. I am who God has created me to be and I’m not letting the fact that I am an adoptee define me, it’s just a small part of me and frankly, I can laugh about myself too at times.

Feel free to let me know how and why you feel like you do about the topic.

 

 

www.faithfulladoptee.com

Mom, momma, mommy, mama, mother, mmmmmmm?

Mother

A mother (or mum/mom) is a woman who has raised a child, given birth to a child, and/or supplied the ovum that united with a sperm which grew into a child. —Wikipedia

I hope you all had a great mother’s day yesterday.

On the topic of mom, I was wondering , how do you call yours? Or what do your kids call you? If you are like me, you have an adoptive mom and a natural mom. So how and why do you call them what you do?

mother's day gift

My mother’s day gift from my Step-Daughter. She calls me “Mim”

 

I don’t see my adoptive mother any more due to some very unhappy events when I was a teenager, making me have to leave home out of necessity. When I met my natural mother, I asked her if I could call her mom. I never say “birth mother” unless I’m using it on my blog, just to help you understand about who I’m talking about. When my sister and I talk about her, we say “La momma”.
It was uneasy at first, calling her mom, not sure if she really felt comfortable with me calling her that and I would avoid saying it at the beginning, even though I longed so much to call her that. But now, it seems natural.
With my biological dad, it’s so different, I’m still in good contact with my adoption dad. I call him dad or daddy but I’m finding it hard to find what I want to call my natural dad. We get along so well, I actually get on on the best with him. We are pretty close ,so I’m trying to find something comfortable for us. My kids call him Grandpa-T and he used to act irritated when he heard it…but I think he actually likes it. He’s just being a bit silly.

So, what do you call your mom and why?

And if you are looking for some inspiration, take a look at the following link of Mother’s Day Celebration website. You can see how people call their mothers in other countries.

The angry adoptee?

Someone recently asked me how was it that I wasn’t bitter about my whole adoption past.

I asked that person what they meant and they wondered if or why I didn’t feel any resentment about the whole situation.

Just to clarify, my natural parents are still together and they have had two children after me. I have a full blood sister and brother.

I guess, when you think of it, one could feel upset by this. Some adoptees often express such perceptions. Many books, such at The Primal Wound and Journey of the Adopted Self, propose that adoptees not only have these feelings, but that they are correct perceptions, and that the adoptee may never heal from these feelings.

Isn’t this one of the reasons why people were encouraged in the past to keep it from their children, the fact that they were adopted? That it would protect them from a “trauma”?

I’ll be honest, while I had a terrible relationship and experiences with my ado-mom, I kind of felt abandoned. When I had my kids during my teens, I didn’t have a loving mom by my side to help me and guide me on my new journey into motherhood. I didn’t have a role model. I didn’t feel loved, I felt lonely…abandoned maybe.

But after being found and getting to know the story, I think we often forget the “trauma” and the bitterness our birth mothers must have felt. My mother couldn’t forget me, even if she wanted to, because I was born the day after her birthday. I can only imagine how she must have felt, counting year after year. I have at times, delicately tried to pry some info about my birth and I would get pieces here and there, but I can feel her pain and then decide that it’s just better to stop. At least for now.

So, do I feel bitter? NO! If anything, my heart leapt with joy when I found out that they were still together and that I besides having the sister who found me, I too have a brother!

Plus God has proven Himself faithful in every place of brokenness and loss during my life and has blessed me with this reunion. God has convinced me that my life was “meant to be”.

Even if you are not a Christian or you don’t have another religion holding you up and I’m saying this because God has and does keep me up, that life is too short to live it in bitterness, sometimes you just need to see the good things in life and decide to be happy. This doesn’t mean that you can’t ever be sad, but give it a place. We as individuals can choose our own attitudes at any time.

Oh and on a last note, I really hope that I haven’t offended others by what I said and if it seems like I’m belittling your feelings, this is not my intention and I’m sorry. I don’t know all your stories or pain, but I’m sure there is a lot of it. I do not claim to be an expert on anything but my own experiences and I would like to hear yours as well.

  • The Primal Wound – More Questions Than Answers! (sharonannevanwyk.wordpress.com)

To search or not to search?

Why do some people prefer not to know where they are from? Why do some prefer not to search? I started searching as soon as I could figure a computer out and have never regretted it, even though it took me 13 years and I didn’t find anyone in the end. No, I was the one who was to be found. ~~Me~~

 

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...