Dreaming, missing and hoping

I woke up in the middle of the night from a dream I was having. You know the kind where you actually regret waking up because it was so good.

I was dreaming that I was shopping with my sister, we shopped, we walked, we went for lunch in down town Toronto to her favourite vegan place. We were having some quality sister time.

Then I woke up just before I was going to have a bite out of my sandwich. Typical, food wakes me up.

I went to the bathroom and quickly jumped back into the warm bed next to my husband, but I couldn’t fall asleep  All I could think about was my birth family.

We spent the summer with them, three weeks, but we had to divide our time between my a-dad (and his family) and my birth parents. This didn’t go as smoothly as I hoped for, but that is expected when two families have to share one. Plus, the fact that my husband and three children where sharing a home with my birth family of four, came with it’s own struggles. We all like our private space and it was a challenge sharing it I must say.

But two weeks ago, when I watched a film montage that my daughter had put together of our time in Ontario, all I could feel was sadness. Sadness because I missed them so much and I’m pretty sure that I’m not the only one. When my sister and b-father saw the movie, they too said that they missed us and that we had such a great time. It’s weird, you don’t remember the ‘not so good times’ when you are missing someone, you only remember the good.

Even though I find myself to be blessed because I found my birth family, when so many haven’t, I still feel a bit bitter at times because of the fact that we live so far away from each other. A big Atlantic pool between us. I often find myself checking plane ticket fares hoping to find a good deal, but there is never a good deal when your family consists of 5 people on one pay check.

I guess I’ll just keep on dreaming…a whatsapp’ing.

“The scariest thing about distance is that you don’t know whether they will miss you, or forget you. “

If you have found birth relatives, do you see them much? Do you live far apart? If so, how do you build up a relationship?

I’m a mummy in mourning

I’ve never really enjoyed Christmas that much before I met my husband but every year since we met, it was getting better and better. This year especially. I couldn’t wait to put up the Christmas decorations. My husband and kids were joking around in their Christmas hats and I couldn’t resist to taking loads of pictures and sharing them on Instagram. Then when our beautiful tree was all done up, we took a few pictures of us sitting next to it. Well, a few is not the word,  I was horrified at how fat I looked on the pictures, so I made everyone move around until I looked less fat. Me looking less fat was only possible by me sitting on the bottom of the stairs, between two of my kids and directing  the camera to just above my waist. Still I though that I looked hideous, but I calmed myself down with the idea that next year, we would be holding our new addition to the family in next year’s Christmas pictures. Yep, I was pregnant. But two days before Christmas, I was bleeding heavily, the doctor reassured me and said that it was due to a blood cloth next to the baby, not to worry and so Christmas came, and I received a knitted bonnet from my sister -in -law, but the Friday after Christmas , the doctor couldn’t see a heartbeat and on New Year’s eve, I spent it in the ICU, having a miscarriage.

Despite our great loss, I can’t imagine not experiencing the joy that we did over our child’s conception.  I can’t imagine not sharing in the love of our child with our family and friends, or sharing it with the world.  I can’t imagine not learning the difficult but beautiful lessons about life and death that we have through this experience.  Losing our child through miscarriage does not undo all that was done.  The baby was conceived.  He or She was loved.  I was blessed to carry the him/her.  We are all blessed to carry him now in our hearts till we meet him again.  I want every woman to know that her child’s life, her experience in carrying her daughter or son, is a gift, no matter how it’s packaged. He just got the heaven before we did, he is already home.

I dedicate this video of ‘Glory Baby’ by Watermark to our lost baby.

Excuse me? Soldier’s Wife Gives Baby Up For Adoption While Dad Is Gone

Hi guys. It’s been some time since my last post. Much has been going on and I hope to be able to blog about it in the near future.

But for the time being I wanted to share an article with you ‘Soldier’s Wife Gives Baby Up For Adoption While Dad Is Gone, Takes Nearly Two Years To Get Her Back

Have you heard about the story? I will try to explain it in a nutshell.

  • An Army drill instructor and his wife are expecting a baby
  • The army officer prepares for the coming of his child. Picked out the name Teleah and had leave approved by his commanding officers.
  • As I understood it, the expecting mother was become increasingly worried about ending up as single mom, this is probably due to the fact that there have been marital problems and so she suggested an abortion or adoption. The father was stationed in South Carolina, but let his wife stay in Texas to be near her family for the upcoming birth.
  • The expectant mother left ten days after her husband left Texas, to go to Utah where she began the adoption procedure.
  • She cut off all contact with her husband prior to giving birth on March 1, 2011.
  • The husband hadn’t heard from his wife until she phoned him in June. Informing him about the adoption.
  • Teleah was given the name Leah by her adoptive parents.
  • After 21 months the father regained his legal rights as her father and  a judge has ordered the Utah couple to return their adopted toddler to her biological father .

This story just so disturbing. It goes against everything adoption is meant to do and then some …Adoption isn’t a game. It’s not a means for biological parents to exact some sick sort of revenge on someone else. It’s a way for biological parents and would-be adoptive parents to come together with a common goal: to give a child a great life.

My heart goes out the father, who was anticipating her birth only to be deceived and robbed of his daughter first years on this world.

My heart equally goes out to the adoptive parents who have been ordered to give the girl back to her dad in 60 days, because one person didn’t understand what this was all about: Tira Bland, Achane’s now ex-wife, who allegedly set this whole adoption scheme up behind his back. They have loved her, cared for her, making plans for her but in the end, they will have to let it all go and are expected to just hand her over and forget.

But my heart goes out to the biggest victim in this all. Little Teleah, or will she remain Leah? Adoption is supposed to be about the kids and what is in their best interests, and this case has done anything but give this little girl a good start in life. Again, someone has been let down by the system.

What do you think?

Paradox by Lynn Grubb

As an adoptee I find it hard to explain exactly how I feel about adoption. Even though I think adoption is necessary in our disposable world…and I understand the sentiment of couples having difficulties conceiving, I still struggle with my own situation. I usually answer people’s questions on adoption with “yes, I agree that there are too many unwanted children out there, but….” And then I shut down.
I have a semi happy ending, being found a few years ago and since have reunited with my birth family, yet, although one wound closed…it seemed like another one opened.(more on that later)
Anyway, I still count myself blessed, but still at a loss of words on the matter, until I found a voice over at The lost daughters website.

I just wanted to share this with you all and suggest you visit their wonderful website.

Adoption is

a concept, a belief and an action
A lack of choice and being chosen
A legal solution to a spiritual problem
A spiritual solution to a legal problem
A loving choice and a thrusting upon
A nurturing touch yet a stealing away

it saved me; yet damaged me
Provided for me, yet took away from me
Blessed me yet cursed me
Gave me a name and took a name
It creates a chance for love to grow and a door for misunderstanding
It creates a family out of strangers and strangers out of family
It inspires and teaches and it wounds and damages

Adoption is

My friend and my enemy
A thorn in my side and my shining light
A rainbow and a gravestone
Acceptance and rejection
Truth and lies
Known and unknown
Love and hatred
a casting away and returning

Adoption is

Not my friend nor my enemy
Not the excuse or the cause
Not perfect or evil
Not the reason or the scapegoat
Not who I am or who I am not
Everything and nothing

(copyright Lynn Grubb; may reproduce with permission)

Why would you read the Bible? Bus adventures

 

So, sitting on the bus today reading my kindle and this lady comes and sits next to me. She starts chatting away which I don’t mind and we ended up talking about a lot of stuff. It was really nice. Then she looks at my kindle and asks,

what are you reading?

I answer :”The Bible“.

She looked at me with surprise in her eyes, looking like she was trying to figure out if I was joking but when she saw that I was serious

she asked “why would you do that?”

I said because “It teaches me about Jesus and it helps me in life. It’s kind of like a life manual, you can find many answers in it”

“Oh” was her only response.

She fell silent for the rest of the journey (prolly thinking that I’m a nutter, like some do…)so, I just prayed for her. I don’t care what people think, I care about how God thinks of me.

 

Video

Teens and Porn

As a mother of two teens, I was appalled when reading this headline in the Daily Mail :

Mother of four-year-old girl raped by boy, 14, blasts judge who freed him because he had been corrupted by internet porn for ‘cheap sentence’

This is scary! Not only can porn be viewed on the computer, but it can be viewed on almost anything linked to the web. Cellphones, PSP’s, tablets…

Even when you are not looking for porn or nudity, it sometimes finds its way into your daily browsing. I have seen obscene pictures on blogs and have seen quite a few on Instagram too. Luckily you can report it, like on Facebook and such, but it was too late for my poor little eyes. Yuck!

So even if we come across it, unwillingly, that’s how easy it will be when our kids start looking for it, willingly. Tongue twister, sorry.

So my question to you is, what are YOU going to do to keep your kids and yourself safe from porn. Or do you think that it is harmless? Are the one who says, “ah, if they will want to see it, they will find it?” True, but it is your responsibility to talk to your kids and to make them aware of the dangers that it brings.

Am I over reacting you think? I’m sorry, but porn IS dangerous!

  • It’s as addictive as crack
  • It gives one the a false illusion of how sex should be.
  • It destructs intimacy in a relationship.
  • Porn is degrading to the women (and to men) , many of whom are forced into making pornography.
  • In most of the movies, pictures there is no condom in sight. So, no safe sex and that can result in STD’s and AIDS.
  • Warped Thinking and Desensitization

And I could go on.

Still not convinced? Then maybe you should watch this following clip. It’s one of Mark Driscoll‘s sermons on pornography :

So again, what will you do to make your kids aware of the dangers of pornography? I hope you’ll do something, because even if you think that your child doesn’t look for it…you could be left very surprised.

Tips for parents and teens:

www.focusonthefamily.com :Advice for Parents of Teen Porn Addicts

www.selfhelpmagazine.com : Parents, Get a Clue: What Teens are Really Doing Online Plus: Tips on How to Talk to Your Teen about Internet Safety

 

 

 

Not so ‘Wordless Wednesday’ : Wireless Communication

Wireless Connection

 

How long has it been since you sent Him a text, a BBM or a Whatsapp if you prefer, just to thank Him or to give Him praise? Most of our prayers are to ASK Him for something, but He deserves our praise and our thanks. Send Him a text today…right now. Just think of all the things you are thankful for and praise Him for it! I promise, you will have a whole list of things you will like to talk to Him about. Concentrate on thanking Him today. We usually end up asking Him for help and things, at least most days we do, but today, let’s just give Him PRAISE!

When I say…”I am a Christian”

When I say…”I am a Christian” 
I’m not shouting “I am saved” 
I’m whispering “I get lost!” 
“That is why I chose this way.”

When I say…”I am a Christian” 
I don’t speak of this with pride. 
I’m confessing that I stumble 
and need someone to be my guide.

When I say…”I am a Christian” 
I’m not trying to be strong. 
I’m professing that I’m weak 
and pray for strength to carry on.

When I say…”I am a Christian” 
I’m not bragging of success. 
I’m admitting I have failed 
and cannot ever pay the debt.

When I say…”I am a Christian” 
I’m not claiming to be perfect, 
my flaws are too visible 
but God believes I’m worth it.

When I say…”I am a Christian” 
I still feel the sting of pain 
I have my share of heartaches 
which is why I seek His name.

When I say…”I am a Christian” 
I do not wish to judge. 
I have no authority. 
I only know I’m loved.

– Author Carol Wimmer – Copyright 1988

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