I was making muffins when I heard the all to familiar beep from my phone letting me know that I had a voice mail. I dropped everything, searched my purse for my phone and saw that fertility clinic had called. I phoned them back while finishing off my muffins. In the meantime, my son and his friend were having lunch and making fun at my multi-tasking skills.
When I finally got the doctor on the other line, she started with : “Miriam, I don’t have good news for you.”
She was then explaining the next steps to take….wait another month….your body needs to rest….blablabla and I was just replying with a “yes” and a uhuh”, trying to fight back the tears.
When I hung up the phone, I left my muffins, tried not to make any eye contact with my son or his friend and made it for the living room. When I shut the door, I let the warm tears flow. My son, knowing me all to well, had followed me and gave me hugs and kisses. I’m glad that I wasn’t alone, but I still felt like I had to be strong and so again, I was pushing the tears back, making it hard for me to swallow. Since then, I haven’t cried anymore, but I feel the urge to now and then. I just want to run away, be alone, and cry, cry, cry.
Stupid progesterone!!! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!. Making me feel nauseous, my breasts tender, tired and everything I felt last time I was pregnant. Yet I was not.
A few days before the blood test, I was again searching the infertility forums for symptoms and stuff. ‘How long after a transfer can you test with a home test?’, ‘How long after a transfer do you start getting pregnancy symptoms?’ When I came across the new song form JJ Heller called ‘Who You are’. ( I was listening to the new Christian song releases somewhere)
The first verse goes :
All she wanted was a baby to hold
She’s still waiting, at 41 years old
Her life feels like a tragedy
And it’s driving her down to her knees
She says I don’t know,
I don’t know what you’re doing
But I know who You are
I was hoping that this wasn’t a sign, just like when I was singing “You give and take away” the day before I found out my baby’s heart wasn’t beating last December…
But I have been repeating and repeating those lines to myself “I don’t know, I don’t know what you’re doing, but I know who You are” ever since I heard it the first time.
What does that mean? That means that even when I don’t understand why things happen, I know that God is love, mercy and comfort to all those who believe. I know that God is in control. I know that He has a plan for my life, our life, whatever it is. It’s like when I was frustrated at not finding my birth family after searching for so many years and that I just decided to let it go and trust God. His plan was much bigger than I could have ever expected or wanted. So again, I choose to trust in Him.
“Father God, I know that you know the prayer in my heart, which is for another child. I pray that your will may be done in this matter. While another child is my greatest wish for myself and my husband, I know that my will is not important. All I can ask Father, is that you help me to be joyful and accepting no matter what the circumstance. I pray for your guidance regarding the timing of our next cycle and the way to go about it and for your support and love while I endure the physical and emotional challenges it will bring.”