I’m a mummy in mourning

I’ve never really enjoyed Christmas that much before I met my husband but every year since we met, it was getting better and better. This year especially. I couldn’t wait to put up the Christmas decorations. My husband and kids were joking around in their Christmas hats and I couldn’t resist to taking loads of pictures and sharing them on Instagram. Then when our beautiful tree was all done up, we took a few pictures of us sitting next to it. Well, a few is not the word,  I was horrified at how fat I looked on the pictures, so I made everyone move around until I looked less fat. Me looking less fat was only possible by me sitting on the bottom of the stairs, between two of my kids and directing  the camera to just above my waist. Still I though that I looked hideous, but I calmed myself down with the idea that next year, we would be holding our new addition to the family in next year’s Christmas pictures. Yep, I was pregnant. But two days before Christmas, I was bleeding heavily, the doctor reassured me and said that it was due to a blood cloth next to the baby, not to worry and so Christmas came, and I received a knitted bonnet from my sister -in -law, but the Friday after Christmas , the doctor couldn’t see a heartbeat and on New Year’s eve, I spent it in the ICU, having a miscarriage.

Despite our great loss, I can’t imagine not experiencing the joy that we did over our child’s conception.  I can’t imagine not sharing in the love of our child with our family and friends, or sharing it with the world.  I can’t imagine not learning the difficult but beautiful lessons about life and death that we have through this experience.  Losing our child through miscarriage does not undo all that was done.  The baby was conceived.  He or She was loved.  I was blessed to carry the him/her.  We are all blessed to carry him now in our hearts till we meet him again.  I want every woman to know that her child’s life, her experience in carrying her daughter or son, is a gift, no matter how it’s packaged. He just got the heaven before we did, he is already home.

I dedicate this video of ‘Glory Baby’ by Watermark to our lost baby.

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8 thoughts on “I’m a mummy in mourning

  1. schrodingerscatbox says:

    I love your words about the beauty of having had that life for just a little while. I struggle with this too – I want so much to delineate in my head with perfect clarity the difference between the joy of those 11 weeks and the pain of losing the baby, to make sure that I remember one as its own self and the other as its own self. When I look back at that pregnancy I want to remember that pregnancy, and when I have to look back at the miscarriage I don’t want it to cloud or affect the way that I remember the pregnancy itself. I was so nervous during that pregnancy and the therapist I was working with at the time really challenged my thinking, pushed me to let go of the fear and just be in the moment with that little life. He asked me, “If you allow yourself to feel joy now, will you feel more pain if you lose the pregnancy?” And the answer was no. I don’t think that I suffered more when I lost it, Maybe less, in fact. I had had all that joy to fill me with strength when it came time to face the loss. I’m hoping that if I ever manage to get knocked up again, I’ll remember this and be able to exist in the moment. Thanks for your words!

  2. I am so very sorry for your loss. May our Lord surround and protect you. If you need to talk, please private message me. I know the time following a miscarriage is so very difficult. Thank you for stopping by my blog, I appreciate your visit and look forward to reading more of your blog. DAF

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