The angry adoptee?

Someone recently asked me how was it that I wasn’t bitter about my whole adoption past.

I asked that person what they meant and they wondered if or why I didn’t feel any resentment about the whole situation.

Just to clarify, my natural parents are still together and they have had two children after me. I have a full blood sister and brother.

I guess, when you think of it, one could feel upset by this. Some adoptees often express such perceptions. Many books, such at The Primal Wound and Journey of the Adopted Self, propose that adoptees not only have these feelings, but that they are correct perceptions, and that the adoptee may never heal from these feelings.

Isn’t this one of the reasons why people were encouraged in the past to keep it from their children, the fact that they were adopted? That it would protect them from a “trauma”?

I’ll be honest, while I had a terrible relationship and experiences with my ado-mom, I kind of felt abandoned. When I had my kids during my teens, I didn’t have a loving mom by my side to help me and guide me on my new journey into motherhood. I didn’t have a role model. I didn’t feel loved, I felt lonely…abandoned maybe.

But after being found and getting to know the story, I think we often forget the “trauma” and the bitterness our birth mothers must have felt. My mother couldn’t forget me, even if she wanted to, because I was born the day after her birthday. I can only imagine how she must have felt, counting year after year. I have at times, delicately tried to pry some info about my birth and I would get pieces here and there, but I can feel her pain and then decide that it’s just better to stop. At least for now.

So, do I feel bitter? NO! If anything, my heart leapt with joy when I found out that they were still together and that I besides having the sister who found me, I too have a brother!

Plus God has proven Himself faithful in every place of brokenness and loss during my life and has blessed me with this reunion. God has convinced me that my life was “meant to be”.

Even if you are not a Christian or you don’t have another religion holding you up and I’m saying this because God has and does keep me up, that life is too short to live it in bitterness, sometimes you just need to see the good things in life and decide to be happy. This doesn’t mean that you can’t ever be sad, but give it a place. We as individuals can choose our own attitudes at any time.

Oh and on a last note, I really hope that I haven’t offended others by what I said and if it seems like I’m belittling your feelings, this is not my intention and I’m sorry. I don’t know all your stories or pain, but I’m sure there is a lot of it. I do not claim to be an expert on anything but my own experiences and I would like to hear yours as well.

  • The Primal Wound – More Questions Than Answers! (sharonannevanwyk.wordpress.com)
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16 thoughts on “The angry adoptee?

  1. Sharon says:

    Thank you for writing this. I am a mother through adoption and I have spent the better part of the last two years trying to educate myself as best I can about what my daughter may experience later in life. Reading The Primal Wound left me deeply affected and feeling very guilty that I had irreparably damaged my child, whom I love dearly. The other thing that I didn’t like about the Primal Wound was the insinuation that all adoptee’s who do not struggle with issues surrounding their adoption where somehow not being authentically themselves.
    I really appreciate your honest post!

    • To Sharon: I’d like to offer you another perspective as an adoptee. First: please please please burn your copy of Primal Wound. I was adopted in the 70’s, when adoption was a very closed affair, but my parents were completely open to me from very early on, and I can tell you honestly that I most certainly do not struggle with any adoption-related issue. Today, I am the proud adoptive father of two boys (a toddler and an infant), with whom I will also be completely open, and who will both likely continue to have some degree of openess with their birth families, provided that the contact is safe and healthy for them. Adoption is not something to fear. Rather, embrace it as just another way to build a family.

      …and to Makers Daughter: thanks for 1) bringing me here; 2) being the very first person to read my blog; and 3) liking it! Yay! 😉

  2. Great post. It is so important we recognize and validate one another. All feelings are valid and worthy of expression. As a fellow adoptee who has traveled long enough in and through my feelings I realize that the time when I thought I was angry was as much about hurt and confusion. As I live and learn the realization that my mothers gave me the best they had at the time becomes clear consolation and reason for gratitude where anger once lived. Thanks for putting words to the little voice that lives in so many of us.

  3. kimchi68 says:

    You are lucky then to have found a kind of peace in your life, I have a story full of sorrow and hardship in my life, because of a very abusive childhood and a story of being taken from my father in Korea without his concent and his knowing. We are separeted for ever, All I can hope for now after 40 years as an adoptee is to visit his grave one day. So different storys different adoptees, ANGRY OR HAPPY ONES. I am an angry one but still just a girl who misses her natural father a lot without a peace in her heart.

    • the primal wound was the first book that I read about adoption. I think it’s important to know that every adoption book is just one perspective and does not speak for everyone.

    • Kimchi, This story makes me so sad. My birth mother and I have been in contact for 3 weeks. I spent 30 years thinking she gave me away only to find out that we (my brother and I) were put up for adoption without her consent or knowledge while she was seeking help for a mental disorder. It is hard for me to not feel enraged at the injustice done to her. I hope that you can find peace.

      • kimchi68 says:

        I think its so sad that adoption in most cases are so heartbreaking and gives us an enormous grief in life. Hopefully in the future will things be different in the adoption business.

  4. I’m so glad I found your blog and post. I am a “birth sister” if you will. My older sister (raised by an adoptive family) reconnected with my family when I was about 17. That means my younger brother and I found out we have an older sister! It’s great to hear the feelings of someone on the “other side.”

  5. I was very lucky to have spent my adopted life living with my biological brother. We aren’t as close as we once were but we were a team for a really long time. I found it necessary to move forward with my life to try to come to a place of understanding and find a peace with myself. I did. I’ve been reunited with my birth mom for 3 weeks after 29 years and she found me on Facebook of all places. Wow! And everything I thought I knew about how I felt, the peace I’d found, what I understood, what I knew, why it happened – turned out to be utterly different in the reality of the situation. It’s a humbling experience.

  6. Pingback: The adoptee family tree? | Lost but Found – Adopted & Reunited

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