Looking for my mother

If you have followed my posts I want to thank you first for showing some interest in my story.

So you’ll know that I’m adopted.

I’ve been searching for my birth mother ever since my son was born. When my daughter was born first I was 15 years (almost 16) old at the time, and too preoccupied with my new meaning of life. I did think for a split second of how my birth mother could give such a beautiful thing away…but that was only for a split second. I had other things to think and worry about.

Having my son a couple of years later really started to get me thinking. I was older by then and had already experienced motherhood. I never really thought of her in a negative way, but I can’t say that I could understand her actions then. I just couldn’t give my baby away. Where there is a will ,there’s a way!

I started frequently thinking about her, maybe because I was feeling lonely again due to the separation with my partner. I didn’t have any family where I was living and I had banned my adoptive mother from my life once I moved out.

I called my adoption  father who was by then talking to me again. I asked him about the adoption and asked him about all the details that he had. He gave me all the info he had plus the name of the doctor involved .I got this doctors number and dialled him a soon as I could. I got him soon enough on the phone and explained to him who I was . He listened and was very nice but he said that it was a closed adoption and that he couldn’t give me any info. He could however send me my medical birth records. I guess that was better than nothing. He also gave me an address of an agencie who could help me with my search.

I wrote to that agency and received forms to fill in, but it wasn’t without any costs . I think it would have cost me around 300 or 400$. I didn’t have that money to spare to be honest, so those forms stayed in my cupboard.I received my medical records, but I didn’t learn much except for that my birth mother was seventeen I think and what my birth name was . Knowing what my birth name was did make  me happy, at least my birth mother named me.

I had left it rest the searching thing for a couple of years. I had other worries on my mind. But then came the internet ERA to my home. Wow …I would have never imagined as a child that everyone would have 1 or more pc’s in their homes let alone that we could send virtual letters to each other and such!

I was taking internet lessons and I learned how to make my own email account, how to “surf” the web. The teacher asked me one day if there is anything I would really like to learn  and after years of almost forgetting that I was adopted , I had all of a sudden the urge to give it another go. I told her briefly that I was adopted, that I didn’t know my birth parents but that I would like to look for them.

I don’t know sweety, ask mommy or Google.


My teacher then typed in “adoption” in the wonderful Google search engine ( thumbs up for Page and Brin…and for Wikipedia :) ) . After she pushed the enter button I had a life changing moment . I never imagined that there would be so many topics and issues about adoption, so much to read, amazing. She then showed me a few sites with forums on them and explained what a forum was. My real searching began there and then.

I started posting on every query board, forum or anything else involved with adoption. I searched sites  for anybody who might be looking for me. Sometimes I would on the web for days and then I would get frustrated and  then didn’t go near the pc for weeks.

It was so very frustrating. All these thoughts came into my head:

– Maybe my birth mother doesn’t have internet….

-Maybe she can’t remember when I was born ….(ok a bit far-fetched but possible)

-Maybe she has passed away …Dear Lord, please no!

-Or she might just not be looking for me

Years passed, without any news. I kept on surfing the web, searching, but not as often anymore. I discovered Facebook, that was another site I really enjoyed. Being able to connect with old friends from back home. I really loved that and still do, it has made me feel much closer to home.

The older I got, the less hope I had of ever finding ANY blood relatives. I have sufficiently put myself out there and there was no way that if someone was looking for me that they couldn’t find me.

Over the years I had thought more and more about my birth mother, for some reason with every birthday, I would calculate how old that she would be .

My children don’t look very much like me so I would always wonder if they looked like her ? Or my birth dad.

I would wonder if she would still think of me, did she have any other children? Maybe she has gotten married to some guy who doesn’t even know that I exist. Maybe I was a family secret? Oh no!

I have a very fertile imagination ,so I could think up stories and get myself upset over it. I really started getting frustrated and sad.

Adoption Cartoon e-Book by C.Papile

It’s really hard to explain, but the frustration you get, by not finding what you’re looking for, is for me beyond words. It’s like your being  “rejected” again . After years of looking and being excited of what you might find, comes years of sadness at finding nothing. When I look back at those years, I’m embarrassed to say that I had self-piety. Poor little me, nobody wanted me, nobody wants me, nobody is looking for me.

A couple of months ago, our Pastor was doing a sermon on prayer .  He was explaining that God answers every prayer that is lifted to Him. Sometimes God answers “no” or “wait.”But God only promises to grant our prayers when we ask according to His will. “This is the confidence we have in approaching God:

“that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him” 1 John 5:14-15

Well, I prayed each and every night for many weeks after that. Asking the Lord to help me find my birth mother. That this was so very important for me. I needed to know her, I needed to find her and I needed to tell her that I didn’t hate her for giving me up !

During my prayers ,somehow I though of the tough years I had behind me. How even though my children had whatever they needed, however much that I love them…would I have not wanted a better life for them? Of course I would, but I did my best and I’m glad that I have had them. But yet, I could understand why a woman would give up her child if she herself had nothing to offer(think that she had nothing to offer). That too is motherly love, wanting the best for your child, even if it kills you inside.

Weeks when by, my prayers left unanswered. I don’t have much patience unfortunately. I’m a now person ! So one day, I didn’t sleep very well the previous night, so I was cuddled up with a blanket in the sofa in the morning and just started writing a letter to my birth mother. I had almost given up hope by then of ever being found and I just decided to write a letter for her, of how I felt . I would probably never be able to ever give it to her, but it was a sort of therapy, like writing this blog.

I wrote the letter and saved it in my documents on my computer. That was it. I now give up.

Lord you have a plan for me. I trust in you. But please take this sadness away from my heart, I can’t cope with this feeling anymore.

But on the 16th of November 2009 , I was found.

To be continued ….

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6 thoughts on “Looking for my mother

  1. Celeste says:

    Oh my gosh, I am excited to hear what happened next. Wow, this really shows the power of faith, when we leave it in God’s hands, He truly does handle the rest. What an encouragement!

  2. K says:

    praying for you hon.

    Let me say as a birth Mother, we never forget. If I could count the tears I’ve cried over longing for my adopted children I would have the deepest ocean in the world.

    be encouraged. Don’t give up. Please know that there is a plan….and just because your prayers haven’t been answered ‘yes’ right now, that doesn’t mean that it’s a NO, maybe it’s a NOT NOW.

    I am here…….if you need someone to talk to. And I care. About all children who search….especially.

    there are adoption registries that you can list yourself on, btw. I know I poured myself over them over my children. You never know where she is looking. Also, if you can find out where she was from (hard I know) you may can find a paper local to her & post something in the free ads.

    please be careful, though. There’s people out there that will try to ‘trick’ you into thinking they are your B.M (birth Mom), don’t give personal information out until you find out for sure (I know that I’m an over-worrier.but it’s better to be safe than sorry.

    feel free to email me sometimes, I’d love to talk
    bruisin(at)comcast(dot)net

    God bless,
    K

    remember, where God guides, He provides.

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